Eliot Spitzer: Client 9 From Outer Space

You don’t need to come here to read about Eliot Spitzer…it’s all over everywhere. What you’ll get from the paid journalists will be the details, the timeline, and juicy opinion pieces. What you’ll get here is opinion with emotion. That’s what blogs are all about (and bloggers have a range outside the ubiquitous ‘snarky,’ though this promises to be one of my snarkier posts). Opinion with emotion is this blogger’s métier.

Here I am in stereotypical blogger fashion…sitting in bed, drinking my morning tea, clutching my (our) laptop and print edition of the L.A. Times (props to the mighty Ed Padgett). I’m reading about Spitzer—groaning, moaning, writhing, and oh-my-God-ing out loud. You’d think someone was in here with me, were it not for the loud noise of the newspaper in my sweaty, disappointed fists.

Dear Mr. Spitzer: Not only did you pay for a tryst with Kristen (kept her looks, added immunity from prosecution), YOU PUT MONEY DOWN ON FUTURE SERVICES. Dummy. Dummy all the way around. That is no way to cover tracks, buddy. Besides, what about the time value of your money? I guess the folks who run the Emperors Club VIP are pretty smart, separating you from your greenbacks prior to your receiving “services.” But they were not smart enough to advise you on how to move money around in a way that doesn’t attract attention. Note: Don’t call the bank after you’ve moved money and ask them to remove your name from the transaction. DUH.

You were right, Spitzer. Your bank was watching you as you moved money from one account to another, and they told the IRS about it just like CNN says.

In what may be an unparalleled display of inter- and intra-agency cooperation, you got busted. Let’s hear it for institutions that work.

You don’t know me, but you have betrayed me. You see, when you told me you were a good guy, I really believed you. When you were Attorney General of New York, I liked that you were going after white collar fat cats. You seemed to champion the cause of the little guy, the law-abiding guy who played by the books. Jim Copland at The National Review Online begs to differ.

The ironies abound. You comes off as a little boy who couldn’t keep it in his pants. “He could have done anything. He had the financial means to do so. (But) he wanted to serve the people” (says your one-time consultant Hank Sheinkopf in the L.A. Times story).

Well, Mr. Spitzer, you can still do that, it just isn’t gonna look like it looked before. Many intervening steps have to be taken to earn that position of service to the public (I won’t say re-earn, because I’m not sure you were clear on the concept in the first place).

You may serve quietly, at severely reduced pay and out of the public view—once you get your house in order. I’m thinking some inner-city after-school tutoring gig would be most appropriate for you. Or maybe we should put your lawyer-y skills to use and have you work pro bono at a nonprofit somewhere. Would you prefer housing, health care, or wrongly imprisoned felons?

Your course of action is as follows: First, resign. It’s either your wife or your position, and it would just be too tacky to dump the wife right now. Let her be mad at you. She doesn’t have to forgive you just yet. And even if she forgives you one day, she may need to forget you also. For better or worse, she’s in the driver’s seat at the moment. (Look what happened when you were in the driver’s seat.)

Second, you have caused your three teenage girls the worst embarrassment of their lives. Surely you know that teenage girls loathe embarrassment more than anything, ANYTHING. You have shown yourself to be no more mature than the 16-year old boys that your girls are no doubt fending off at regular intervals. You do not yet have the words to explain your behavior, so don’t even try. You may want to consider therapy, however.

Third, I just read that you’re already assembling your defense team. Drop it. There are so many more important issues that our nation needs to be thinking about than your petty peccadillos. You copped a feel (and then some), now cop a deal. The skeleton crew of paid media left in this country have more important issues to deal with than yours. Don’t make us go through the minutiae.

Finally, Mr. Spitzer, thanks for the reminder that most heroes around these days are people that you and I have never heard of.

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9 Responses to “Eliot Spitzer: Client 9 From Outer Space”

  1. Gringo_Malo Says:

    My take on this episode was a bit different. I assume that all of our “public servants” are doing just what Spitzer did. Spitzer must have pissed off someone higher up the food chain, which probably explains that rare inter-agency cooperation you mentioned.

    I’m rather alarmed that the odious Know Your Customer banking rules that inspired so much public protest back in the 90s have sneaked back under the guise of an anti-terrorism measure. Almost enough to make you a 9/11 conspiracy theorist, isn’t it?

  2. Kelly Says:

    I admit that I went through a libertarian phase yesterday when I first heard the Spitzer story. Theoretically, Spitzer was engaging in an activity between two consenting adults. Why should it be illegal?

    Without going into the pros and cons on each side of that argument, one thing is clear. Spitzer broke the law as it stands, but real criminals are getting away with way worse stuff right now. Sadly, Spitzer is the one who caught the attention of the FBI.

  3. Miss Havisham Says:

    I’ve been reading so much lately that my eyes ’bout to fall out my head. It’s always a pleasure to read your emotional opinion on things. Although, I’d say you use your brain a tad more than your heart because your blog is good reading!

    This story strikes me as a media distraction that is suspicious, and troubling. I wonder where the directive root lives. Is it a depraved symptom of the Murdoch model in journalistic success these days?

    Is Brittany not answering the red phone under her bed this week?

  4. Trevor Says:

    Spitzer pissed off someone who has clout with the FBI. Nothing more, nothing less. He was putting his penis where it didn’t belong and using taxpayer money to do it.

    Shameful behavior for a man who claimed to be a moral compass for the rest of us.

  5. Citizen of the Month » We Talked About Eliot Spitzer in Therapy Says:

    […] not so topical.   Who else do I know blogging about the topic of the day?  So far, I see kellylcr and famecrawler (via Whit) […]

  6. frazgo Says:

    Nice post and I have to admit I enjoy reading your stuff too.

    On topic though I was gobsmacked wide open as I heard his speach this morning. I did not expect the resignation. I drove two blocks with my mouth wide open before I said WTF. Really I didn’t expect it at all.

    So many other politicians over the years have gotten got playing in someone other than the spouses sandbox, even lied under oath, yet kept their jobs. This like so many others involved hookers yet he had the dignaty to resign. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and not calling up a snarky conspiracy.

  7. Mangels Says:

    I would like to see more blog entries like this one

  8. Watanabe Says:

    heyyy, nice idea, thanks for everything.

  9. Paneto Says:

    hi very good post men.

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